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Passover Jokes - This classic is attributed to George Burns

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:21:28 +0000

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a
very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.
On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to
charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but
he was going to turn it down.

“That’s a great honor,” I said. “Why would you turn it down?”

“Because during the ceremony you have to say something in
Latin,” he said. “And I don’t wish to bother studying
Latin just for that.”

“So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn’t know
the difference.”

“Brilliant,” Hy complimented me, “but what should I say?”

“Remember that question the son asks the father on the
first night of Passover? … Can you say that in Hebrew?”

“Of course,” he said. “Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.
Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight.”

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other
honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name.
He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder
and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came “Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.”

The queen turned to her husband and said, “Why is this knight
different from all other knights?”

(For those unfamiliar with the holidays or customs, the traditional
question that he asked “Ma Nirvana ha lei la haze,” asks the age
old question “Why is this NIGHT different than any other NIGHT”)

Top Passover Pickup Lines

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:19:18 +0000

* Let’s make this night really different from all others nights.
* Want to wander through my desert?
* I’ve got a Ramses in my pockets, and I’m glad to see you
* Wanna look for MY afikomen?

Passover Jokes - The Lunch

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:18:37 +0000

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

Our Passover Things

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:16:48 +0000

(To be sung to the tune of “My favorite things”, from The Sound of Music)

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that’s gefiltered,
horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kidish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locust and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.

CHORUS

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we’re feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don’t feel so bad.

Passover Jokes - The Rabbi and the Shamos

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:14:34 +0000

A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos. Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp.

The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, “Moshe, what are you doing?”

Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, “I don’t understand.”

The rabbi said, “I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food!”

Moshe said, “Rabbi, did you see me come into this Restaurant?”

“Yes, I did,” replied the Rabbi.

“Did you see me order the food?”

“Yes, I did” said the rabbi.

“Did you see me eat the food?”

“Of course I did!!! Why do you think I barged in here?”

“Well, then,” said Moshe, “I don’t see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!”

Passover Jokes - The Ancient Story

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:12:29 +0000

As Moses and the Children of Israel were crossing through the parted Red Sea, Moses heard cries about how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, the water was salty and not drinkable. Miraculously, a fish appeared from the wall of water and told Moses that she and her family heard the pleas of the people. The fish said to Moses that she and her family would remove the salt from the water by passing it through their gills and forcing it out of their mouths. The water would be fresh like a fountain from which the Israelites could drink as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly offer. To remember the miracle of the fish who transformed salt water to fresh water, Moses let it be known that hence forth the Sedar to honor the Exodus would always include “Gill Filter Fish”

Passover Dr. Suess Style

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:11:47 +0000

Sam! Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them Sam-I-am.
But I’ll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I’ll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I’ll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you’re a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham.
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

Passover Jeopardy

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:09:46 +0000

First the answers and then the Questions

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

Passover Warning

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:08:56 +0000

Just in time for this year, a group of leading medical people has published data indicating that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is “Let My People Go”.

Passover Jokes - The Orthodox Rabbi

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 19:32:56 +0000

An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he’s approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi.

When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, “You can come in now.” The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, “I’m not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I’ve been a good Rabbi. I’ve worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?” The angel says, “Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed.”