“Get a load of her” said the mouse, “what a babe!” “Well, why not try your luck?” replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her.

Within five minutes they’re out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the
bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, “What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?”

The mouse replied, “Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I’ve never had a night like it!” “But how come you look like you’re so
exhausted?” asked the lion.

“Well” said the mouse, “between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!”

“We’ll See,” says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar,
and the hamster begins to play. “Impressive,” says the bartender, “but i’ll need to see more.” “Hold on,” says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings “Old Man River.” A patron jups up from this table and shouts “Thats’s Absolutely incredible! I’ll give you $100 right now for the frog.” “Sold,” says the guy.

The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. “It’s none of my business,” says the bartender,
“but you just gave away a fortune.” “Not really,” says the guy. “The
hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

He could run as fast as Rudolf,  he just couldn’t stop as fast.

“My God Henry”, she screams, “I know you’ve had other woman but this time you’ve gone too far!”

“You may be right” he says, “I think I’m stuck.”

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shephard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. “Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”

“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?”

“Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit”, replies the blind man.

“Well, it’s none of my business,” says the onlooker, “but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!”

To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!”

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut ‘em up, and snort ‘em just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”

The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat.”

“Cocodora” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora” said the robber.

“The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus”, said the parrot.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.

“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”

They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!